br0ken_t0y

I exist and that is all there is now.

I don't know if any of you have ever completely ruined your own lifes, from actions of your own doing. It is a rather most upsetting feeling.

Sure, I have no more ties anywhere. I am in a place I might of onced called home. But those emotions that brought me here are gone now. Replaced with a burning hatred of myself and the existance that surrounds me.

Although long past killing myself, it is days like these that I kinda wish I had.

Trying to figure out where to go now. There is only emptiness in a place where I was once filled with dreams and hopes. This hurts.

I keep going back to the old place, reading over what is now and what use to be.
It makes me cringe to know I can cause such pain and suffering inside someone, well at the same time it is almost like nothing ever happened. I don't know anymore really.
This is a strange post I realize, as well as I realize that there is no one to hear it even.

I have burned my soul into the ground, stomped on the ashes and spit in my own face.

I have already within a week lost control, spent more money then I was supposed to, mabye won't get to travel now like I had hoped.

I have no home, I have to no roots.

Florida stripped me of my naive nature and what is there now no longer belongs in the world I used to live in.

Yes, these people are my friends, but how will I ever express to them what I have goen through now.

They do now know me anymore, and yet it would seem that they have barely changed.

Moved around, new jobs, a couple new people to talk to.

They want things in life I barely remeber anymore. God, I realize what a horrible post this is becoming so I am sorry, but I have to get this stuff out and the coffee shop was giving me a headache.

*sigh*
I wonder now, how could things of been diffrent. I know I did some nasty stuff, I do not try to sleek away from that fact. But could of something else been changed, why did I feel the need to destroy myself and those around me. Actions are of not my mind, I am somewhere else in this world and feeling rather lost and lonly now.

Although I do not require to be pouted over, I still feel it. I feel it extra because it was I who did this. I have no blame to hand over to someone else.

and in the end there is only yourself. I am trying to make new friends, meet people so that I can escape the person I am suppose to be here. I don't like him very much and I know the rest of the world doesn't either.


Feelings of creeping doom are dripping down my spine as I write, somehow these things will come back at me, I know.

The sensation that parhaps these are the last of my days is strong now. Not of my own doing, but because the world doesn't know where else to put me so it will end me. There is nowhere left for me....I have burned to many bridges in my short time here. It would be best if..yeah....lost interest.

I don't want to live here, I hate these people more than I hate myself right now, there rightoues ways and snug attitudes about how hard they have it...god, if they coudl actually see one person who actually lives in poverty, is stuck in poverty and has no choice but to exist in poverty they might begin to understand the easy life they live. I was once one of them as well...I see it in myself, how it molded me and created the monster I know that lurks within me.

Please, all that I ask is that I may find a home agian,Orlando had felt like home sometimes, as much as I hated it there, the people understood me more then anywhere else I have existed, I am looking for them agian, putting myself into the world and trying to find the love that I so carelessly threw away.

My final words for this post is simple...
Dear lord, Please end me now or deliver me upon the masses I once knew.

sitting here..half dressed. It is strange, sometimes I realize just how much more relaxed I feel this way. How much more appealing I feel to people, just how much everything is different. The fact that I have to go to work and be "me" is very upsetting some days. I want to spend the day making myself pretty but instead I have to go listen to masculine drivel about every girl that walks by, ugh. I hate men so much because I have worked so many jobs that are in the "restricted" field. Where there are maybe 1 or 2 women that work around us on occasion. It's weird because when I sit down and listen to men talking I don't feel apart of their world, I feel like someone let me in to listen and I shouldn't be here. This is particular strong when the topic turns to girls and "faggots". The latter not being all that bad at my job, just girl talk is outrageous. These boys have no respect for women, and if they do they tell everyone they don't so that we will all like them better. I fucking hate it. I hate having to listen and keep my mouth shut because I need to fit in. I have learned survival through silence, when I used to work at a pizza place that was really conservative, all my co-workers thought I was a nice guy, didn't treat me like shit and were cool to me. If at any moment they ever found out I like boys as well as girls, that would of all ended. The fear of having to keep my mouth shut when the insulted the gay community in case I gave myself away was horrible. Construction was like that to. It all sucked. I don't have a need to feel masculine like they do and prove it to nearby girls and co-workers, I just don't understand those feelings. OKay while this post turned out to be really long so I will go now. Bye bye
Camille

Piles of monkeypoo.

My brain hurts agian today. just like it hurt yesterday and it will probably hurt tomorow, I won't have time to hurt tomorow though because I will be at work for something like 20 hours..sigh.

random thoughts for no one in particular today.

My greatest concern right now seems to involve my work. I do not beleive it would be possible to conduct any kind of true transition while working in the field of my choice. This leaves me drawn and confused. I worked hard to get where I am today, I spent hard money on my education and I only just graduated. Would it be fair to my parents who sacrificed so much to put me through school just so I can modify my body to the way that seems best. No, but is it fair that I should live unhappy? Besides that, I have no other real skills at this point, I have been doing this for the past 2.5 years, it is all that I know at this point. I would not know how to hold a normal job. I tried to get a part-time job a little while ago and failed sadly at it. I do not have the same skill sets that I use to. I used to have a new job every three months or so, I had an ever developing set of skills to pull from for my employers. Now I am only this and nothing else.

Ugh, this rant could go on for some serious time. I will let it go for now in favor of a ciggarette which I clearly need. Besides I feel like I am starting to whine a bit and that was not my goal for this rant, I am just frustrated about my current economic situation which I kinda feel is about to either kill me or leave me homeless. Ugh.

My life has been rated:
See what your rating is!

There is something wrong when I find on my way to work that I forgot to remove some nailpolish, so I turn around, race home and then race back to work. Only to find my boss wearing black nail polish when I get there. Evil Evil Irony some days. Then agian I had on purple nail polish that sparkled, a little more um..."fem" mabye. oh well.


I am hurting and confused, I am lost and broken.
I am Camille...The Br0kEn t0y.

Oh yeah, If I sent you here, leave a comment and I will add you to the "list". Helps keep things more private here. Thankie!

Okay, So mabye I will actually make a post in here for what I made this for. I have a strange sense of social anxiety about doing this though. as if I don't think anyone really wants to know. I don't know. Mabye I should just go and get some therapy and quit littering the internet with my attempts at self-med.

Lots in my mind these past couple of days. This ussually happens when I get new clothes though. My girl bought me a corset thingy with garter straps on it. I hadn't dressed up in a number of months...mainly due to my hectic schedule at school and then just because of the time and energy it requires on some nights.

Now all the confusion is back agian. I can't seem to figure out why I am doing this and for what end. I don't know if it is what is inside of me or me just trying to fill that void in the center of my being(a topic that could cover it's own journal). I am feeling lost and helpless right now. I have all the support I need to do what I want, but what do I want I keep asking myself. I can not find the root for these feelings that I have.

I had been insulted at work the other day and it got me thinking, do I push my girl out because that is whats inside or because my masculenity has been challenged my whole life by others do I simply go the extreme, live up to thier insults and become a girl. Is this me or social conditioning, I can not tell anymore.

All I know is that when I dress up I feel pretty and special, a feeling I never get as a boy. I hate my body as a boy, I loath it. I knwo I am not ugly either but it does not change my feelings about myself. When I look in the mirror on a normal day I just see me, staring back, borign and drab as usuall. But when I look in the mirror as a girl, I see someone cute and cuddly, someone I want to be. I want to be adored and fawned over, and I can not let those happen as a boy. As a boy I must be proud and strong, but I am neither of those things right now.

Perhaps this is all because of self-esteem, if I learned to love myself would I not want to change myself. Could I even learn to love myself. If I do not feel like I belong in this body then is it possible to love myself in this body, that is a question I have no way of knowing how to answer right now. I would love to start therapy but the money just isn't there. I don't even have enough money for a nice wig let alone a therapist.

I am broken and lost, hurting and confused.
I am Camille...The broken toy.

So here is my new journal...Don't know if I will actually do anything with it...but we will see. This journal is in existence for my other self--Camille. I will try to keep things somewhat on topic here..mabye. I do have my other journal..But we won't be talking about that here. Rambling..today is a day for Rambling. So here it is...the raping of a new journal(insert sex noise here!). ugh ugh ugh.
That was fun now wasn't it. Good, so go along and make merry somewhere else, but seeing as how no one eve knows this exist yet we will see what I actually do with this damned thing.....Bye bye.

Camille...a musing in of itself.